Finger bun

September 4, 2017 at 9:05 am | Posted in 1, Compulsions, Humour, Sight | 2 Comments
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Cl06fNWVAAAKvYE.jpg large

 

The proprietress has made a stout effort,

 

but several items appear recalcitrant.

 

Pic by Warren Kirk.

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Autobiography

December 29, 2013 at 7:20 am | Posted in 1, Interests, Treatment | 2 Comments
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An introduction to Paul Hassing's autobiography

Take the plunge!

If you’ve enjoyed this blog, you may also like my newest project.

It’s an autobiography, whose style you’ll find familiar.

I warmly welcome your visit and comments.

🙂

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

Biplane

April 10, 2013 at 5:32 am | Posted in 1, Benefits, Family, Recreation, Senses, Treatment | 4 Comments
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Biplane start

Unforgettable.

A fabulous gift for an aspie is a biplane flight.

Strapped snugly in the cockpit, with the pilot behind, you see the airstrip beckon.

When the engine fires, you feel every rod and tappet clanking away.

Takeoff is breathtakingly swift.

Once you’re aloft, the strut wires zing as the tiny craft surfs every zephyr.

But you don’t feel afraid.

The plane is over 90 years old. Statistically, if it were going to crash, it would’ve done so already.

Though linked to the pilot by headphones, the wind and noise dissuade chit-chat – freeing you to savour the journey alone.

As you gaze down at your past – mapped out in homes, schools, offices and parks – you may feel brief respite from life’s struggle.

And on your reluctant return to earth, you’ll very likely feel blessed that someone cared enough to grant you such a wonderful adventure.

🙂

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

Question

January 19, 2013 at 10:17 am | Posted in 1, Animals, Mind, People, Sight, Society | 6 Comments
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P1020511 Plane Truth Small

When conversing, keep your feet on the ground.

In certain conditions, your (usually unloved) penchant for penetrating questions may find favour in the world.

For instance, if you land in a regional airport and are confronted by a sniffer dog, there’s a good chance your fellow travellers will hurry past its handler.

You, of course, will be entranced by the beast.

If its handler feels bored, jaded, undervalued or just plain lonely amid careless crowds, you might just make her day.

Start small, by asking what her dog is trained to detect.

Then ask how long training takes.

Express amazement that the pooch can master so much in just 10-12 weeks.

Bookend your interview by asking (roughly) how long the dog’s career will last.

Then ask if, after a decade or so, the handler will have the option to keep the dog.

Observe her interaction with the animal.

If she loves it, even you should be able to perceive this.

The dog, unused to his handler receiving such attention, will fix you with a stare that penetrates far better than the X-ray machine behind you.

This is OK, because you have nothing to hide.

And, unlike humans, dogs and horses have no agenda.

So, for once, you can enjoy staring right back.

And then it’s time to leave.

Under NO circumstances should you go on to ask questions like:

  • When do you think your dog will die?
  • How will you feel when your dog dies?
  • How long will it take you to grieve?
  • Will you get another dog?
  • Will it feel the same?
  • What if it doesn’t?

While you may find these questions perfectly reasonable, most ‘normal’ people will NOT.

By breaking off an interview – even when you’re having fun – you stop it going bad.

Easier said than done, perhaps; but you can learn that less really is

more.

🙂

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

Seat

December 7, 2012 at 3:00 pm | Posted in 1, Compulsions, Humour, Mind, People, Sight, Society, Threats | 10 Comments
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Chairs Small

NOT as easy as it seems.

Few would comprehend (or believe) the lightning thinking that precedes your choice of chair.

You enter a waiting room (itself a feat).

First priority is safety.

Check the corners. Does one offer a view of the entrance through which your appointment will appear?

If so, can you also see outside (to avoid eye contact, pass the time and spot long-range threats)?

Corners mean you need monitor only 90 degrees for danger.

Walls, therefore, run a very poor second.

The centre, naturally, is right out.

But position isn’t everything.

Check the seating. Is it solo?

If it’s a two-seater couch, you may be able to thwart later arrivals with your bag and coat. (This also applies to pairs of chairs.)

If it’s a three-seater (or more) you may have unwelcome company.

What sort of couch is it?

If it’s too soft, slippery and/or deep, you may have trouble rising quickly to meet any threat.

Better a firm, high one with good back support.

But even the ideal chair in the perfect corner can come unstuck.

Is it near a radio speaker (perhaps blaring a chaotic commercial station)? The cacophony will erode your (frail) composure.

Is it next to a water cooler, rubbish bin, pamphlet stand, children’s play area or stack of filthy, outdated magazines?

If so, people (at worst, infants) may launch themselves at you from all quarters without warning.

Waiting rooms are so hideous, it’s best to be the first appointment of the day.

Though this carries its own peril if your appointment still contrives to be late.

The silver line to this stormy cloud concerns your partner.

If, after some time together, your covivant can scan a space with 80 chairs and point to the exact one you’d pick,

you’ll know it’s true love.

Marry them without delay.

🙂

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

Drive

October 30, 2012 at 7:04 am | Posted in 1, Benefits, Body, Hearing, Recreation, Senses, Touch | 10 Comments
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Learn one; master all!

If someone teaches you to drive, they may be astonished at how swiftly and well you pick it up.

This will likely be due to two factors.

First, you’re probably dying to master an enclosed, personal, movable space that protects you while giving you a means of independence and escape.

Second, and perhaps more encouragingly, your superior sensitivity will alert you to the training vehicle’s every nuance.

The moment you slide into the driver’s seat, your senses will start reaching to every part of the machine – like ganglia.

If you crunch the gears, you’ll shudder in sympathy and note the warning signs for next time.

If you hit a curb when turning, you’ll know by sound and feel whether it was the rubber tyre, the plastic hubcap and/or the metal rim of the wheel.

Early pilots called this ‘flying by the seat of your pants’ – because they literally felt many aspects of the aircraft through their seat.

You’ll take this principle even further.

After a while, your perception will extend beyond the car.

Since you’re well used to keeping your distance from people, you’ll have a valuable asset when it comes to reverse parking.

Onlookers will marvel as you knock the training sticks and bricks over once or twice, but never again.

Once you learn to drive one car, you can learn to drive any vehicle (see photographic evidence above).

It’s a bit like The Matrix movie, in which Trinity downloads the software to fly a helicopter.

But it’s better than that, because the software is already in you.

In fact, it is you.

On the road, because you obey rules and are careful, your dealings with police should be minimal.

In summary, learning to drive could be one of the most empowering and enjoyable things you ever do.

🙂

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

L

May 15, 2010 at 9:40 am | Posted in 1, Mind, People, Threats, Touch | 10 Comments
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Humiliation by technology.

Should you be press-ganged into babysitting a friend’s children, the results may be mixed.

On the plus side, you’ll thrill the kids with your highly original approach to games.

You’ll play their games their way.

Then you’ll play them in exciting new ways they never conceived.

Buoyed by their laughter, you’ll invent entirely new games, using straws, or string, or nothing but your combined imaginations.

Squeals of delight will fill the house.

Until they realise that your sole goal is their happiness, and that you’re not an authority figure.

Then they may start to manipulate you.

If you fail to respond, they may start to mock you.

If, due to your poor disciplining skills (due to no practice and fear of offending their parents) you fail to arrest this development, things may turn ugly.

If you’re very unlucky, a 12-year-old girl, done up like a Brats doll, will stand before you with a label maker.

She will turn the dial to ‘L’.

Click it.

Cut it.

Peel off the backing.

And press it onto your forehead with her right index finger.

When you ask what she has just done, she’ll say:

“That’s an ‘L’.

“For ‘Loser’.”

You’ll look at her.

And she at you.

And even though you’re 40, you’ll both know there’s not a damn thing you can or will do about it.

You will recall this humiliation for the rest of your life.

😦

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

Colouring-in

May 1, 2010 at 1:24 pm | Posted in 1, Compulsions, Family, Interests, Mind, Recreation, Senses, Sight, Touch | 5 Comments
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Points of difference.

You don’t see so many kids’ colouring-in books these days.

If you’re old enough, though, you may recall the pleasure of completing them.

Not all books were the same.

The designs, for instance, varied wildly – from obsessively intricate to insultingly facile.

The best fell somewhere in between.

The papers varied too. From shiny surfaces that barely took a pencil mark to blotter-style offerings that soaked each careful texta stroke far beyond its intended position.

It was rare, therefore, to get a pleasing design on practical paper.

Christmas ‘Bumper Fun Books’, by dint of their sheer size, usually carried two or three satisfying options.

With your attention to detail so keen, you naturally coloured within the lines.

Yet sometimes, engrossed in activity, an unguarded movement saw your marker slip.

This transgression marred the entire work. So much that you had to employ your black texta (the most valuable in the set, and the one most likely to fail first through overuse).

You traced the entire colouring-in design with black, making all the lines slightly wider.

At the slip-up, the line became wider still, as you covered the alien colour with pitch.

The result was not unlike a stained-glass window.

Alas, some errors were too big to mask and had to remain patent.

When you submitted a work thus flawed to your parent, their judgment was revealing.

Instead of praising your industry, your palette or your almost-perfect execution, they did something else.

They started at ten, then subtracted one mark for each crossed line.

Never, in your entire childhood, did you score a perfect ten.

Though you tried and tried and tried.

It was only 40 years later, when writing a blog post to ameliorate the Great Sadness that had befallen you on waking, that you realised something.

Your parent had Asperger’s too.

😐

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

Cheese

February 1, 2010 at 4:51 pm | Posted in 1, Benefits, Body, Mind, Senses, Taste | 6 Comments
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There’s cheese, cheese and then cheese.
All are different.

Your sense of taste may be so acute that grated cheese is a completely different proposition to cubed or sliced.

This may simply be due to the greater surface-area-to-volume ratio.

Or perhaps you can ‘taste’ different shapes (just as some aspies ‘see’ numbers).

Either way, you have more options when there’s not much in the fridge.

🙂

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

Dogfood

January 7, 2010 at 7:35 pm | Posted in 1, Animals, Compulsions, Mind, Sight | 2 Comments
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This brand is easy.
Others are much, much harder to calculate.

If you have two dogs of the same breed, you may feel irresistibly compelled to feed them identically.

And I mean identically.

This isn’t so hard with the type of dog food pictured above.

But God help you if your partner buys granular dogfood – and you either have to count the tiny fragments or weigh the bowls.

The dogs don’t give a damn about these taxing mental machinations.

Nor should you.

But sometimes, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

🙂

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

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