Bread

March 28, 2013 at 7:18 am | Posted in Humour, Senses, Society, Taste | 2 Comments
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I posted this piece in my business blog, but some say it has the hallmarks of an aspie post. 

Have a read, see what you think, and let me know!

More than one is a miracle.

More than one is a miracle.

Bread: plain, simple, honest … daily – yes?

No.

I’ve had a bewildering range of bread ‘experiences’.

I suspect they hold lessons on dining, business and life. Yet I can’t find a unifying theory.

If table my data, will you help me use my loaf?

The Stick

Some venues emphasise ‘stick’ over ‘bread’. Pale wands that laugh at butter and look like they’re from 1970. Bitten, they explode into a silica that absorbs moisture and glues teeth.

The Shard

This seed-studded sliver has an elastic centre that hints at dough. The impression shatters as the crust cuts in.

The Shard often comes with a saucer of olive oil that appears to have escaped from a truck gearbox. A request for butter triggers disbelief, derision and deteriorating service.

The Slice

A cornerstone of Australian pub culture, The Slice is white, single and preconceived.

Common to every meal, it mirrors its environment: brown for gravy, crimson for beetroot, yellow for cheese sauce.

Requests for seconds (or olive oil) are met with stares, swears or beatings according to age and gender.

The Solo

Native to wedding receptions, this pleasant item (pictured above) is strictly rationed to guest numbers. This is odd, given its low cost and the margins needed to cover skewed main orders.

Waiters may pretend to revisit the kitchen, but the answer’s always no.

Only via a generous partner or a no-show guest (within arm’s reach) can you win a dual. Then you must fight for another swipe at the communal butter dish.

The Multi

Favoured by family bistros, this dramatic variation of The Solo is ‘multi’ in every way.

Grain and wholemeal triple choice. A big basket lets you plunder with impunity. Cascades of butter patties complete the cornucopia.

Rare venues take The Multi even further, baking their bread, whipping their butter and presenting armloads of both at the slightest provocation.

This is the ultimate bread experience.

The Twist

This cruel subterfuge usually reveals once you’ve ordered. On asking for bread, you’re offered a dripping garlic roll, a trio of dips with pita or a home-baked Turkish loaf (with olive oil).

Stiff prices apply. No reductions or variations are permitted. Any request for dish components triggers ejection.

Trends

  1. The more a meal costs, the less bread you get.
  2. The more ‘modern’ a venue, the greater the olive oil risk.

Questions

  1. Why is it so hard to get a satisfying amount of bread and butter when dining out?
  2. Do venues ration bread to make diners spend more?
  3. Do other sectors use similar practices?
  4. What is this olive oil crap?

I now totally get why the loaves and fishes was a big deal.

I knead your help with the rest!

:)

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire

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Cheese

February 1, 2010 at 4:51 pm | Posted in 1, Benefits, Body, Mind, Senses, Taste | 6 Comments
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There’s cheese, cheese and then cheese.
All are different.

Your sense of taste may be so acute that grated cheese is a completely different proposition to cubed or sliced.

This may simply be due to the greater surface-area-to-volume ratio.

Or perhaps you can ‘taste’ different shapes (just as some aspies ‘see’ numbers).

Either way, you have more options when there’s not much in the fridge.

🙂

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

Grass

October 23, 2009 at 9:08 am | Posted in Benefits, Nature, Senses, Sight, Smell, Sport, Taste, Touch | Leave a comment
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A simply wonderful life pleasure.

Grass is one of life’s greatest pleasures. Its look, feel, flavour and meaning will delight you every time.

On a summer afternoon, when the cricketers have gone, a lush green outfield will beg you to collapse into it.

Running your hand over the pile, you’ll feel every blade caress your fingers before flipping back in place.

Lying back, you’ll sink into the ultimate chaise as you track cotton clouds in cobalt.

You’ll love it when the mowers are overdue. Tall, swaying sheaves give shape to zephyrs as surely as your hand on a pin board.

And when the mowers do come, the heady release of natural scents will make you sigh with contentment.

Grass stems in your mouth change with the season:

  • The green yield tangy juice and stringy fibres.
  • The brown give dry, spiky shards you can bite, press against your tongue or thread between your teeth.

On a deserted golf green, tiny, perfect tines bear dew to the dawn.

In each sparkling orb, you’ll see the world reflected and the cosmos suggested.

However you cut it, grass rocks.

That’s the long and short of it!

🙂

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

Pool

July 1, 2009 at 9:47 am | Posted in Benefits, Body, Nature, People, Recreation, Senses, Sight, Taste, Touch | 1 Comment
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Put yourself in the picture.

Heated, outdoor, Olympic-sized (50 m) swimming pools offer joys and hazards. You can optimise your experience by swimming in mid winter.

Removing most of the people usually gives you a lane to yourself. You can reach a meditative state without having to give way or match your speed to other swimmers.

If you’re lucky, you may also get a lane either side of you, so you feel really free. This also reduces the number of unsightly objects (e.g. hair, band-aids, mucus) crossing your path.

If you time your arrival to coincide with the end of a thunderstorm, you may have the entire pool to yourself. Rippling the vast, glassy surface without another soul tainting the water or watching you is a rare treat indeed.

When it rains, you’ll thrill to cold drops on your head while the rest of you is warm. You’ll also enjoy the splash of raindrops landing before you. If it rains hard, you’ll taste the fresh water layer that forms over the chlorinated.

When it’s sunny, a glittering underwater universe of wavelengths awaits your goggled eyes.

When it’s freezing, the hot water outlets will feel like oases of comfort.

As a safe, gentle, therapeutic, solo exercise, swimming is hard to beat.

🙂

Welcome

June 16, 2009 at 9:57 pm | Posted in Animals, Benefits, Body, Compulsions, Hearing, Humour, Interests, Mind, Nature, People, Recreation, School, Senses, Sight, Smell, Society, Taste, Threats, Touch, Treatment, Work | Leave a comment
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This blog is a device for collating personal experiences (mine and possibly yours) of Asperger syndrome. I plan to collect first and sort later, so brace yourself for randomness.

Though my symptoms cause me significant distress, I appreciate that yours (or those of the one/s you care for) may be much worse.

It’s therefore with humility and respect that I invite the views of those further along the spectrum. Any humour you detect in my posts is merely the other side of my particular coin.

I warmly welcome your input, which I may include in a book. While I claim the right to use anything you post, I won’t reveal your identity unless you want me to.

Should your contribution be significant, I’ll invite you to the book launch or send you a free, signed copy when it’s published.

This project was suggested by my psychologist. I wish to remain anonymous, at least until I find my feet and set down all the things that have affected me most.

While some of the impressions noted herein may be due to child abuse  or depression, we may yet discover that Asperger syndrome is the nucleus of my woes.

If you’re a publisher, I’d love to hear from you.

Thanks for visiting; come back soon!


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