Finger bun

September 4, 2017 at 9:05 am | Posted in 1, Compulsions, Humour, Sight | 2 Comments
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Cl06fNWVAAAKvYE.jpg large

 

The proprietress has made a stout effort,

 

but several items appear recalcitrant.

 

Pic by Warren Kirk.

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Bread

March 28, 2013 at 7:18 am | Posted in Humour, Senses, Society, Taste | 2 Comments
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I posted this piece in my business blog, but some say it has the hallmarks of an aspie post. 

Have a read, see what you think, and let me know!

More than one is a miracle.

More than one is a miracle.

Bread: plain, simple, honest … daily – yes?

No.

I’ve had a bewildering range of bread ‘experiences’.

I suspect they hold lessons on dining, business and life. Yet I can’t find a unifying theory.

If table my data, will you help me use my loaf?

The Stick

Some venues emphasise ‘stick’ over ‘bread’. Pale wands that laugh at butter and look like they’re from 1970. Bitten, they explode into a silica that absorbs moisture and glues teeth.

The Shard

This seed-studded sliver has an elastic centre that hints at dough. The impression shatters as the crust cuts in.

The Shard often comes with a saucer of olive oil that appears to have escaped from a truck gearbox. A request for butter triggers disbelief, derision and deteriorating service.

The Slice

A cornerstone of Australian pub culture, The Slice is white, single and preconceived.

Common to every meal, it mirrors its environment: brown for gravy, crimson for beetroot, yellow for cheese sauce.

Requests for seconds (or olive oil) are met with stares, swears or beatings according to age and gender.

The Solo

Native to wedding receptions, this pleasant item (pictured above) is strictly rationed to guest numbers. This is odd, given its low cost and the margins needed to cover skewed main orders.

Waiters may pretend to revisit the kitchen, but the answer’s always no.

Only via a generous partner or a no-show guest (within arm’s reach) can you win a dual. Then you must fight for another swipe at the communal butter dish.

The Multi

Favoured by family bistros, this dramatic variation of The Solo is ‘multi’ in every way.

Grain and wholemeal triple choice. A big basket lets you plunder with impunity. Cascades of butter patties complete the cornucopia.

Rare venues take The Multi even further, baking their bread, whipping their butter and presenting armloads of both at the slightest provocation.

This is the ultimate bread experience.

The Twist

This cruel subterfuge usually reveals once you’ve ordered. On asking for bread, you’re offered a dripping garlic roll, a trio of dips with pita or a home-baked Turkish loaf (with olive oil).

Stiff prices apply. No reductions or variations are permitted. Any request for dish components triggers ejection.

Trends

  1. The more a meal costs, the less bread you get.
  2. The more ‘modern’ a venue, the greater the olive oil risk.

Questions

  1. Why is it so hard to get a satisfying amount of bread and butter when dining out?
  2. Do venues ration bread to make diners spend more?
  3. Do other sectors use similar practices?
  4. What is this olive oil crap?

I now totally get why the loaves and fishes was a big deal.

I knead your help with the rest!

:)

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire

Seat

December 7, 2012 at 3:00 pm | Posted in 1, Compulsions, Humour, Mind, People, Sight, Society, Threats | 10 Comments
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Chairs Small

NOT as easy as it seems.

Few would comprehend (or believe) the lightning thinking that precedes your choice of chair.

You enter a waiting room (itself a feat).

First priority is safety.

Check the corners. Does one offer a view of the entrance through which your appointment will appear?

If so, can you also see outside (to avoid eye contact, pass the time and spot long-range threats)?

Corners mean you need monitor only 90 degrees for danger.

Walls, therefore, run a very poor second.

The centre, naturally, is right out.

But position isn’t everything.

Check the seating. Is it solo?

If it’s a two-seater couch, you may be able to thwart later arrivals with your bag and coat. (This also applies to pairs of chairs.)

If it’s a three-seater (or more) you may have unwelcome company.

What sort of couch is it?

If it’s too soft, slippery and/or deep, you may have trouble rising quickly to meet any threat.

Better a firm, high one with good back support.

But even the ideal chair in the perfect corner can come unstuck.

Is it near a radio speaker (perhaps blaring a chaotic commercial station)? The cacophony will erode your (frail) composure.

Is it next to a water cooler, rubbish bin, pamphlet stand, children’s play area or stack of filthy, outdated magazines?

If so, people (at worst, infants) may launch themselves at you from all quarters without warning.

Waiting rooms are so hideous, it’s best to be the first appointment of the day.

Though this carries its own peril if your appointment still contrives to be late.

The silver line to this stormy cloud concerns your partner.

If, after some time together, your covivant can scan a space with 80 chairs and point to the exact one you’d pick,

you’ll know it’s true love.

Marry them without delay.

🙂

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

Eat

November 7, 2012 at 9:11 am | Posted in Humour, People, Society, Threats, Touch, Work | 6 Comments
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Table for one?

Like many aspies, you may prefer to eat alone.

The mere presence of others may dilute (pollute?!) your pleasure in food.

And the onus of communication can turn a meal from treat to chore.

It’s fine to dine solo, but try not to overdo it.

If, for instance, you’re found lunching alone on the concrete fire escape stairs of a busy advertising agency, your reputation for socialising may suffer.

If you’re in business, try to avoid lunch meetings.

Chances are you’ll be so overwrought juggling conflicting tasks that your client or prospect may form a poor impression.

If they insist on meeting for lunch, avoid ‘difficult’ dishes.

Especially beef teriyaki don with long, crisp, slippery vegetables, sticky rice and loads of sauce.

The effort to control your chopsticks and sever mouthfuls while calculating optimal eye contact and tracking the conversation may well result in food on your hands, face, clothes, napkin and table section.

Not a good look.

Especially if you cut yourself shaving.

‘Finger’ foods (e.g. wraps, sandwiches and spring rolls [without sauce]) are a far safer bet.

You could even call these

a recipe for success.

🙂

Sign

January 10, 2010 at 6:16 pm | Posted in Compulsions, Humour, Interests, Mind, Nature, People, Sight | 5 Comments
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Could you resist such a well-presented data source?

When you stroll in a well-run park, you may take longer than others.

This is because you like to read the signs.

Signs give information. Correctly used, information is a source of power.

With few other power sources at your disposal, you’ll naturally want to maximise the ones you have.

As you devour every word, your companion/s may either wait and fret by your side or walk on without you.

That’s fine. Just thank them for their ‘patience’ and remind them how good you feel when you learn something new.

That usually shuts them up quick smart! 🙂

Didn’t think so!

Board

December 14, 2009 at 1:11 pm | Posted in Compulsions, Humour, Mind, Senses, Sight | 2 Comments
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Yes.

NO!

Change

December 14, 2009 at 1:00 pm | Posted in Compulsions, Humour, Mind, Senses, Sight, Touch | Leave a comment
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Yes.

NO!

Flannelette

December 7, 2009 at 12:28 pm | Posted in Benefits, Body, Family, Humour, Senses, Touch, Treatment | Leave a comment
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It’s difficult to overstate the calming effect of flannelette on ultra-sensitive skin.

Flannelette (also called flannel) warms, cradles and soothes.

It never cuts, rubs, snags, shocks or prickles.

If you were lucky enough to experience this fabric as a child, a trip down memory lane is highly recommended.

If you’re married, there’s a good chance your spouse won’t take kindly to you capering around the house in flannelette pajamas.

A less difficult goal is to shoot for a flannelette sheet on your bed.

Though you may also encounter stiff opposition to this idea, your partner will eat their words when they finally slide onto a slice of sheer comfort.

Chances are your bed is already a haven.

Flannelette will make it a nest.

Good luck!

Teaspoon

December 4, 2009 at 10:47 am | Posted in Compulsions, Diagnosis, Humour, Mind, Sight, Touch | 4 Comments
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If you’re an Aspie, one of these teaspoons
will instantly eclipse the other.

This post may well serve as a quick test for Asperger’s syndrome (even if some say the condition no longer ‘exists’!).

Consider the two teaspoons. Does one of them look infinitely more attractive than the other?

Is it the top one?

If so, is it because the top one:

  1. Is shinier?
  2. Has attractive beveling?
  3. Tapers?
  4. Is more slender?
  5. Looks more accurate?
  6. Seems as if it would feel more pleasing on your tongue?

Do you reject the bottom teaspoon utterly?

If so, is it because the bottom one looks:

  1. Thick?
  2. Ugly?
  3. Clunky?
  4. Inaccurate?
  5. Dull?
  6. Cumbersome?
  7. Artless?
  8. Heavy?

Aspergers folk will probably answer ‘yes’ to more than half these questions.

And if you think I’m joking, go and read Tea.

One lump or two?

🙂


If you found this content useful or entertaining, you may wish to:

Even a buck or three will keep me in the hunt. With many thanks, Paul.


Lawrence

December 2, 2009 at 1:15 pm | Posted in 1, Compulsions, Humour, Interests, Mind, Recreation, School, Sight | 2 Comments
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Lawrence. About to lose it.
God knows I would too!

Lawrence of Arabia is another Aspie hero.

He certainly knew his stuff among the Arabs in World War I.

And if you read his biography, you’ll find he was a troubled chap indeed.

Despite his profound otherness, he achieved great things in archaeology, language, warfare and literature.

Though the movie is doubtless romanticised, it has more than enough grit to satisfy the fact-hungry viewer.

Lawrence’s ultra-violent response to his abuse by the Turks is an oft-cited character flaw.

Yet who among us, bullied at school to the edge of madness, would not take revenge on our tormentors if given the chance to do so with impunity?

As with Murphy’s War, I’d love to hear your views on this film.

Perhaps we can generate a Top Ten Aspie Film list.

The festival wouldn’t be much chop …

but our friends and family would certainly have an easy job at xmas!

🙂

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

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