Finger bun

September 4, 2017 at 9:05 am | Posted in 1, Compulsions, Humour, Sight | 2 Comments
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The proprietress has made a stout effort,

 

but several items appear recalcitrant.

 

Pic by Warren Kirk.

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Bread

March 28, 2013 at 7:18 am | Posted in Humour, Senses, Society, Taste | 2 Comments
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I posted this piece in my business blog, but some say it has the hallmarks of an aspie post. 

Have a read, see what you think, and let me know!

More than one is a miracle.

More than one is a miracle.

Bread: plain, simple, honest … daily – yes?

No.

I’ve had a bewildering range of bread ‘experiences’.

I suspect they hold lessons on dining, business and life. Yet I can’t find a unifying theory.

If table my data, will you help me use my loaf?

The Stick

Some venues emphasise ‘stick’ over ‘bread’. Pale wands that laugh at butter and look like they’re from 1970. Bitten, they explode into a silica that absorbs moisture and glues teeth.

The Shard

This seed-studded sliver has an elastic centre that hints at dough. The impression shatters as the crust cuts in.

The Shard often comes with a saucer of olive oil that appears to have escaped from a truck gearbox. A request for butter triggers disbelief, derision and deteriorating service.

The Slice

A cornerstone of Australian pub culture, The Slice is white, single and preconceived.

Common to every meal, it mirrors its environment: brown for gravy, crimson for beetroot, yellow for cheese sauce.

Requests for seconds (or olive oil) are met with stares, swears or beatings according to age and gender.

The Solo

Native to wedding receptions, this pleasant item (pictured above) is strictly rationed to guest numbers. This is odd, given its low cost and the margins needed to cover skewed main orders.

Waiters may pretend to revisit the kitchen, but the answer’s always no.

Only via a generous partner or a no-show guest (within arm’s reach) can you win a dual. Then you must fight for another swipe at the communal butter dish.

The Multi

Favoured by family bistros, this dramatic variation of The Solo is ‘multi’ in every way.

Grain and wholemeal triple choice. A big basket lets you plunder with impunity. Cascades of butter patties complete the cornucopia.

Rare venues take The Multi even further, baking their bread, whipping their butter and presenting armloads of both at the slightest provocation.

This is the ultimate bread experience.

The Twist

This cruel subterfuge usually reveals once you’ve ordered. On asking for bread, you’re offered a dripping garlic roll, a trio of dips with pita or a home-baked Turkish loaf (with olive oil).

Stiff prices apply. No reductions or variations are permitted. Any request for dish components triggers ejection.

Trends

  1. The more a meal costs, the less bread you get.
  2. The more ‘modern’ a venue, the greater the olive oil risk.

Questions

  1. Why is it so hard to get a satisfying amount of bread and butter when dining out?
  2. Do venues ration bread to make diners spend more?
  3. Do other sectors use similar practices?
  4. What is this olive oil crap?

I now totally get why the loaves and fishes was a big deal.

I knead your help with the rest!

:)

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire

Eat

November 7, 2012 at 9:11 am | Posted in Humour, People, Society, Threats, Touch, Work | 6 Comments
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Table for one?

Like many aspies, you may prefer to eat alone.

The mere presence of others may dilute (pollute?!) your pleasure in food.

And the onus of communication can turn a meal from treat to chore.

It’s fine to dine solo, but try not to overdo it.

If, for instance, you’re found lunching alone on the concrete fire escape stairs of a busy advertising agency, your reputation for socialising may suffer.

If you’re in business, try to avoid lunch meetings.

Chances are you’ll be so overwrought juggling conflicting tasks that your client or prospect may form a poor impression.

If they insist on meeting for lunch, avoid ‘difficult’ dishes.

Especially beef teriyaki don with long, crisp, slippery vegetables, sticky rice and loads of sauce.

The effort to control your chopsticks and sever mouthfuls while calculating optimal eye contact and tracking the conversation may well result in food on your hands, face, clothes, napkin and table section.

Not a good look.

Especially if you cut yourself shaving.

‘Finger’ foods (e.g. wraps, sandwiches and spring rolls [without sauce]) are a far safer bet.

You could even call these

a recipe for success.

🙂

Cheese

February 1, 2010 at 4:51 pm | Posted in 1, Benefits, Body, Mind, Senses, Taste | 6 Comments
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There’s cheese, cheese and then cheese.
All are different.

Your sense of taste may be so acute that grated cheese is a completely different proposition to cubed or sliced.

This may simply be due to the greater surface-area-to-volume ratio.

Or perhaps you can ‘taste’ different shapes (just as some aspies ‘see’ numbers).

Either way, you have more options when there’s not much in the fridge.

🙂

Brought to you by The Feisty Empire.

Baguette

July 3, 2009 at 11:49 am | Posted in Compulsions, Humour | Leave a comment
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An aspie’s take on lunch!

In seeking to apply a natural methodology to creating a baguette, beware a minor snag.

With the baguette sliced open before you, you’ll naturally apply the butter (or margarine or cream cheese) first.

You’ll then apply the sliced cheese, in keeping with the dairy theme.

Next comes the tomato. Then the alfalfa. Then the pepper. If you use other ingredients, the primary sort is food group, followed by decreasing mass.

The snag is that, in focussing on the formation of two identically perfect halves, you double handle (to end up with more filling than you need when the halves are united).

To avoid this, confine yourself to the lower half as soon as you’ve coated the upper half. Separate the halves if necessary.

The inevitable thematic clash of condiment/s against coating is a small irritation that’s better borne than pondered.

🙂


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